Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
