Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
