i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
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