Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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