I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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