My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
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