I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
Randomize
