If i come over, it means nothing
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
Randomize
