I never want to see another naked old woman again.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Randomize