my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Randomize
