You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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