smell my finger.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
