it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Randomize
