Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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