Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
