i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
