so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
operation have a gay friend backfired
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
Randomize
