Dude my mom stole all your condoms
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
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