great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
