You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
