Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
