ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
