Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
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