Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
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