SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Randomize
