you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
