I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
