I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
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