I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
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