There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize