I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
Randomize
