She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
