last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
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