DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
Randomize
