sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Randomize
