I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize
