I just pynch a tree in the face
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Randomize
