3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
