lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
