my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Randomize
