And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
