In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
Define "chronic" masturbator.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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