My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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