I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
