i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
