I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
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