i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
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