Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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