you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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