I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
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