dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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