Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Randomize
