you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize
