Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
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