all I know is if I don't watch spice world right now there will be a firefight.
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Randomize
