I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
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