what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Randomize
