consequently i now know what mace tastes like
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
