i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
